Many people here on Gaia share simple acts of kindness, probably never even giving thought that they are doing so, on a daily basis.

Sometimes these acts are acknowledged by the recipient - other times not - and again, that probably goes unnoticed by those who were kind, because most that do those kind things just seem to do them automatically, as a part of their nature.




Those simple acts of kindness sometimes have a profound affect on the people receiving them.  Sometimes the affect is immediate - other times it takes a while to sink in - especially if one has been building up a wall of resistance around them for a while.

While I am typing this, there is a river of tears flowing down my cheeks, from a bundle of emotions rising up within me - gratitude, love, and so much more.....  and I just wanted to share with all of you who have been there for me, even when I had my back turned from your light because I was having problems with the intensity of it, that all of those acts of kindness have been, and are truly, appreciated so much.

My heart is opening in ways I haven't felt for many years.  Kindness isn't something you can hang onto - you have to let it flow through - it's a special kind of love that just doesn't want to sit still - so for everyone of you who have been so kind to me these past several months - Look Out!, because someone, somewhere (maybe even me) is going to be kind to you, too. :)

Luving you all so much right now.....

~ ~ ~ ^v^ ~ ~ ~

.....I should be thinking of slowing down into a blissful retirement, spending more time on restful hobbies, perhaps making a Last Will, and certainly taking a lot better care than I do with my health, although I have started to be a bit more vigilant lately.

Instead I am struggling to launch a second (or is that third, fourth or fifth???) career, struggling to NOT gain any more weight than I have over the past five years (taking it off being a whole other can of worms ;) ), and really wondering if, when my body pushes me to slow down, just how hard I can push it back and tell it to shut up and quit whining!

I'm at the age where I perhaps should be thinking of making friends with the other ladies my age, so in a few years time I can sit and play Canasta and Euchre with them.  Instead I'm thinking that I have a such a wonderful mind, it would be a crime to waste it on such drivel!  So instead I'm reading and studying constantly - and finding that the more I do these things, the sharper my mind becomes.  Who-da-thunk-it!!!!!  I'm also using Holosync to push it's capabilities to manage stress (a major cause of stroke and heart failure), and increase my defences against age-related dementia and Alzheimer's.

I'm at the age where many women, having gone through lousy marriages and been alone for a while, are now beginning to consider it might be nice to have a man around again.  Well, instead I'm just so happy to still be FREE (after being divorced for nearly 25 years), to do whatever it is I want to do (or not) without having to also cater to another person's foibles, illnesses, and needs (and let's face it, most men ARE very needy, especially after 65, because they're retired and most haven't planned what they're going to do next, except perhaps fish and watch TV).  If I really get a craving for company, I can always go to visit some elderly friend - many not too much older than myself, and mostly women whose husbands have passed on or left them for younger women - and then walk away thankful that I don't have their physical and emotional problems and baggage.

I'm at the age where my kids are actually starting to consider that I might not be here forever (the passing of my parents last year being the catalyst for that), and they have now both become somewhat more attentive to my needs and health. As well, they are starting to also consider their more senior years, and how that will impact their ability to help me, as they are both less than 20 years behind me in age.  My daughter enlists my son-in-law to do a fair amount of the heavier lifting, or more difficult things - like installing drapery rods, and my son pitches in with doing major repairs (installing kitchen faucets, and soon, installing a new toilet and fixing up the mess in my bathroom cupboards currently being made by plumbers as I write this).  My daughter is also my chief confidante, keeps me on track, or pushes me onto the right path when I go off half-cocked, and offers "motherly" guidance she soaked up from MY mother in her formative years.  I am just SO lucky to have my family close to me at this time in my life - we were apart for so many of their earlier years, I often thought I'd end up being alone at this time of my life.

With all of this, I'm NOT at the age where I'm contemplating dying any time soon - having been released of my focus on dying at my own hands that I did have over the past forty years.  I've considered the strong will I have had, to live through several suicide attempts, two lousy marriages, being bullied and bruised throughout my youth, and marginalized by family and friends over the past almost 30 years because of my non-conformity in religious and other ideas - and I figure I'm good for at least another twenty to thirty years.  Besides, I think it's going to take God and the Devil at least that long to figure out if there's a place for me where neither of them will have to listen to me complain all the time.  ;)

~ ~ ~ ^v^ ~ ~ ~

Cross-posted from my post on the Canada Pod, so possibly more of our US friends will see it.

Here is the head-line URL link:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080813/ap_on_re_ca/canada_war_deserter_1

"Jeremy Hinzman, 29, is likely to be court-martialed when he returns to the United States and could face up to five years in prison. Hinzman said Canada's Border Services Agency ordered him to leave the country by Sept. 23 and he would be handed over to U.S. authorities.

Before he fled Fort Bragg, N.C., in January 2004, Hinzman had already served a tour of duty with the 82nd Airborne Division in Afghanistan. He served in a non-combat position because before his unit left in 2002, he applied for conscientious objector status."

As a Canadian who has never supported the idiot notion of the Iraq War, I am incensed that our Canadian government is doing this to this man, and potentially other "conscientious objectors" as well.  Who the hell does Prime Minister Harper think he is (God maybe?) that he can decide on this man's fate?  During the Vietnam war thousands of "objectors" fled to Canada to avoid the draft.  But that was when the Liberals were in power, and we didn't have people like Harper kiss-assing up to the Idiot Prince Bush.

Well, the US doesn't even have a "draft" now, and this man has already served one tour of duty away from family (In Afphanistan), so given the population of the United States, you'd think there'd be plenty of other men eligible (and probably quite willing) to go in his place!!!

Yeah, I know - our guys and gals are doing two and three tours in Afghanistan (if they live that long!), which is a whole other thorn in my side, given I have two grandsons that are nearing the age of being drafted, if that ever comes about.  One of them probably wouldn't qualify medically because of poor vision, but the other would probably volunteer - want's to be a police officer (which in these greater Toronto neck of the woods is probably almost as dangerous!). A good friend of mine lost his brother to a suicide bombers efforts 10 days before he was to return to Canada and retire!  He had served Canada for twenty years - and was getting ready to come home, get married and perhaps start a family.

My heart goes out to all of the families, loved ones and friends of ALL of the brave men and women who are serving in Canada's armed forces, and/or who have lost someone because of the leaders who fight the wars from their office HIGH chairs.  I completely support our men and women who are out there trying to make a difference, as hard as that is.  BUT I also support the right of ANYONE - Canadian or American, who decides they object to this insane squabbling, and doesn't want to participate in it.

I'd like to hear some Canadian voices raised in major objection to this man's deportation.  Contact your MP's and MPP's - and definitely write to Prime Minister Harper (he who was so scared of his ass that he wouldn't even go to Bejing!) and let him know that once the White House has been cleaned of the vermin now occupying it, perhaps Canadians will do a similar house-cleaning on Parliament Hill!  It won't be too soon, for my liking.

In absolute and utter disgust with the politicians of our two countries!!!

Gem

The link below is to a video showing currently on CNN video homepage.
 
It is a video of Larry King talking with his panel about a possible UFO cover-up by the government.  These are not your ordinary "airy-fairy" types that garner headlines in the National Enquirer and similar news media.  These are solid, well-learned and concerned people who need to be listened to.  It runs close to 11 minutes long, and is very interesting.

Here's the link - enlarge to full screen by double clicking it once it pops up (unfortunately, an advert will run first for 30 seconds - just wait for it and the Larry King video will then come up):  http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/bestoftv/2008/07/20/lkl.ufo.long.cnn .

Personally, I don't believe the UFO's mentioned in this video mean us harm - if anything, I think they are attempting to save us from the stupidity of our governments.  I cannot speak to what certain individuals in the past have indicated as malevolent UFO's - that has not been my experience.  But I do think it is important for us to be vigilant and cautious in how we view certain activities.  I will perhaps write more on this later.

I am not sure how long the link will stay "live", so if someone knows how to download this to something to save it, that would be great - if so, please be kind enough to let me know how to do this as well, so we can make this a permanent link (if necessary, I'll put it on my web-site and link from there.)

~ ~ ~ ^v^ ~ ~ ~

I wrote so much last year about the passing of my parents - first my Father in January 07, and then my Mom in June 07.  My Father's passing was anticipated - he had been growing progressively weaker over the two previous years with the ravages of Parkinson's literally shaking him to death.  My Mom's passing was somewhat anticipated, as we had just learned a few days previous that she had cancer spread through many of her organs, however, neither my brother nor I expected that she would leave so soon after that diagnosis.  Being in hospital though, she ended up with a massive infection, and it ripped through her weakened body in less than two days.  In my last conversation with her when she was relatively lucid (the day the hospital gave her the infection through inserting tubes into her abdomen to drain fluid), we had discussed about her coming home and I would be going to stay with her for a while to, in her words, "get things together".

So a year has now passed since Mom left us.  I have been through every emotion possible to have, I think.  First there was disbelief.  Then there was an emptiness that just would not be filled (still have that one a lot)..  Then there was anger at the hospital for their carelessness and seeming disregard for her comfort during her almost month-long stay there.  Then there was a sense of relief that she had not had to suffer long - because had she stayed on longer, the cancer (and anticipated chemo) would have taken a miserable toll on her comfort, I'm sure.  She was not the type to complain - had she been that way, we certainly would have had her in the hospital much sooner than she finally agreed to go, when she could no longer eat well enough to keep her diabetes stable, and her lungs filled with fluid, choking off her breathe.

I sensed there was something very much wrong, but respected her wishes that I would NOT invade her privacy with my psychic abilities.  She refused all channeled healing as well.  It was extremely frustrating to know that I could have helped at least ease her pain, and even perhaps given her some more time with healing energies.  So on her passing, there initially was a lot of anger surrounding her rejection of me, as an individual who didn't march to her religious tune.

Then, of course, there was grief also that I had never seemed to be close to my Dad.  We may have lived in the same house, but I never felt (at least from the time of about five years old), the kind of love connection to him, as I had with my Mom.  Even so, I know he loved me somehow - and in later years learned that he would often be the one to come and take me from my crib in the middle of the night when I was bouncing around, and sit in the rocker and rock both of us to sleep, until his alarm went off at 5 AM, to go to work.  So a lot of my grief with his passing was that we missed that closeness for most of all the years beyond those first couple when he rocked me to sleep.  And now he was gone.

This year, in February, I found myself at a point of sadness in my life that I just didn't seem to move past on my own.  I sought help through another hypnotist, who turned out also to be psychic and an ordained minister.  She was able to help me move past most of the sadness - enough so that I pushed myself the rest of the way out of it, like a flower pushing itself up through the dirt into sunshine.  That didn't mean that the grief had passed, though.  Just changed it to something I could handle better.  I stopped crying almost entirely (I had spent many days in January and February crying for three or four hours at a time).  I could manage a few tears, acknowledge my feelings, and then move forward toward some goal I had given myself, as an alternative focus to spending the energy in crying.  I still felt and acknowledged the grief, but responded to it differently.

Healing from a loss of loved ones is a long term project.  Tears are now used to wash the wound;  then looking toward what I need to be moving forward with in my own life, to honour the life that they have given me, is the salve on the wound.  I then bind it with thoughts of all the good times we shared.  The bad times have faded to the distant background, and will soon disappear completely.  I honour each of them by keeping them alive in my heart, and carry them forward there with me into a brighter future.

........../~~~^v^~~~\..........

About the pictures:  Although we have a larger granite marker at the head of their gravesites, we also were able to have their names added to the approximate 6,000 others on the granite walls of this memorial.  My brother took the pictures and also forwarded an etching of their names on the wall.  The Memorial Garden is located a few dozen feet from their plot.

My Mind!  The thoughts that blow wildly through it, leaping from one subject to another - sometimes missing the next precipice, and falling into some tight little crack between the rocks - mumbling it's way out into another clear stretch, and runs like a deer through meadows and forests.  Occasionally it will stop by a clear stream and just stare for a while.  I get to catch my breath, momentarily, before it is off exploring yet another mountain that leapt onto the horizon.

~ ~ ~ ^v^ ~ ~ ~

A correction on the PayPal website that has now taken over two weeks to make, and it is still preventing me from doing business properly.  I need to change my customer service email address because I have changed internet providers, but their programming is preventing me from making the change.

Also waiting for someone at PayPal to actually show that anyone there has even half a brain, because I'm sure the problem could be resolved if the message could get from the brainless service reps to the technical staff.

I have made four written requests and spent 45 minutes (mostly on hold) on long distance while some baboon on the other end could not seem to understand my very clear English explanation of what the problem was, what could be several potential solutions, and the urgency for actually getting the problem fixed.  All it would take is for them to add "categories" to a drop-down category box that doesn't contain any, and won't let you complete the information change without having a category in the box.  So simple, with the right tools, and ability to get into the code, a child could do it!!!

This, apparently, is becoming indicative of the lack of brain-power now dominating at this so-called "business".  About a month ago, they managed to totally screw up business for many paying customers of "Statscounter" - which left Statscounter in the not-so-nice position of needing to apologize for the mess, even though SC was NOT the problem.  Being a large enough company, I guess they were finally able to resolve the situation after being able to force their way up the food chain to senior management, who then resolved the problems. (You can read about the whole mess on the Statscounter blog on their website).

Unfortunately, I'm just a little two-bit business customer. It is unlikely my plea's for someone with something better to do than diddle themselves while they keep you on hold on the phone will actually find their way to management.

I'm currently researching other Merchant Service providers.  After almost three weeks, my patience with this organization has just about totally become depleted.  If you know of someone who uses PayPal, pass this along to them, so they aren't shocked when they find themselves facing a similar challenge to mental stamina and sanity.

NEVER!!!

There is a constant battle of good versus evil ensuing there.  When the war slows down a bit, this treacherous kid part emerges, looking for the next victim project to sabotage.  Then there are the countless uber voices that wander in - some of them friendly and welcome, and at times, when near those who are emotional and/or strong willed, their thoughts also merge with mine, creating a brew from which the most powerful of witch-doctors would run away.

On the other hand, I have learned to quiet it down to the point that I can actually hear and see almost nothing of this - maybe it is still going on, and I've found a santuary in some small space there.  Just breathing and following the breathe, and all of it fades out.  A momentary respite from the mayhem that begins buzzing anew, like prisoners breaking out of jail once concentration on the breathe ceases.

So, no - it's not a safe place to be.  Folly to anyone who would think of dipping in there unwelcomed, for sure! ;)

~ ~ ~ ^V^ ~ ~ ~

Taking the question first from a purely physical level, I have lived most of my life alone, even when living with others.  As a child, the separation I felt from the rest of the world bugged the daylights out of me, and my attempts to fit into the "clique" only drove that wall higher.  As I reached puberty, I began to reverse the process, though, and decided that I liked being alone, and even though I've been married twice, had two kids, and interacted (mostly sporadically) with parents and my brother, the times that I am alone seem to be my most productive and happy, and therefore cherished, for what I am able to accomplish.  If no one else is interested n what I am accomplishing, well, perhaps it bites a bit, but for the most part, I can be satisfied that I accomplished it.  I am, without a doubt, a very reclusive individual.

Looking at this from the spiritual side of life, as a young child, I never felt alone, because my invisible "playmates" were always hanging around.  It was only as I entered school, and began to fear expressing about my "mates", that they seemed to recede into the background of my life.  Since my re-awakening around age 32, though, the sense of being along spiritually has rarely arisen.  Those times that it did, it was more likely because I had been the one putting up the wall, even unconsciously.  The awakening experienced though, has engendered a different reason for consciously choosing aloneness - I find that I am so open most of the time, that especially in a crowd of people, the thoughts and emotions of those around are almost overwhelming, so I do tend to choose very carefully with what groups I interact or people I engage with in longer term relationships.  So I don't have a lot of really close friends - most that I do have, are well-controlled mentally and emotionally most of the time.  The funny thing is, for the most part, I don't consciously choose who my friends are (unless, of course, they become abusive to me or others).  When the resonance happens, it's great.

If it ain't broke - don't try to friggin' fix it!!!

Like Zaadz - nothing was broke - it worked great - it was beautiful, friendly and growing nicely, and the people pictured in the icons on the "promo page" actually showed up once in a while, at least, not 400 to 600 days ago!!! So Brian went and sold it, and the "new" owners couldn't wait to make renovations.  And, IMHO, things have gone downhill from there! :(

And so we have yet another (as my friend, Sol put it) "SNAFU" with the "Pro" pages now gone.  Back in February, I took my own ZPro page down, and saved the icons of the people who had signed up to Gemstars Dynamic World on my hard drive, and I suppose that was my way of avoiding the disaster I felt was coming.  Once I am settled with my recent move, I will be contacting each of those individuals to gauge interest in joining me on my own forum - off Gaia - where we are not subject to so much dang "fixing things up" all the time.  Instead of creating "community", I think this one move alone has come pretty close to destroying any concept of "conscious capitalism" that was originally enshrined in Zaadz.  We now get plenty of "capitalism" with the large (and most of the time, flickeringly annoying) banner of adverts at the top and more at the bottom (I get a FULL computer screen of ONLY adverts at the bottom of every "group" page!).  And if you're Canadian, or perhaps non-American, you cannot even buy into the non-advert version if you don't have an American credit card!  Someone must have had a "PH&d of BS" in figuring out that one!!!  No "world-view" there!

In the meantime, there ARE many things here that could be working a whole heck of a lot better, at least for some people (I seem to be OK at the moment, but then again, I'm hardly here due to my attempts now at getting unpacked and finding things in the rubble pile that will eventually be my living/dining room). ;)  So why not concentrate on those things instead of trying to add every stupid widget conceivable to clutter up the profile page.  Speaking of which, that seems to be the biggest headache for many now - with all those extra little flag thingys!  And I still don't see much, if anything, by way of notice to members about the roll-out (or destruction of, in the case of the Pro pages) features.

By the way, I think $20.00 per month is a rip-off for the "new" Gaia Pro pages.  Five dollars would have been reasonable, for the features here.  I am currently hosted on another site for $65.00 for 18 months - with a monthly click-in rate on the network (and good click-in, with a counter, on my "page") of over 85,000.  Bonus is I can have a newsletter, I can submit to several of the sites ongoing by-weekly newsletters for advertising, and I will have a place to feature my music, once I get that aspect rolled out.  There are other features as well - those are the highlights!  If you want to know where, contact me.

I'm still wondering why I even bother to show up here!!! Must like banging my head against a brick wall or something that silly. :)

~~^v^~~